Saturday, July 31

if today was your last day


Yesterday was my last day working. After labouring/running around chasing kids/putting ointment for mosquito bites/hug them/carry them/eat imaginary food cooked by them, 7 months passed by as if it was just a month.

Lesson learned?

Teaching kids is not easy. In fact, teaching is not easy, because moulding one's thinking is always never risk-free. (think inception!)

Daycare (Std 1 & 2) was tiring, made me feel like a grumpy old teacher (you have to keep asking kids to take out their homework, finish their homework, don't play first, etc etc). To teach 6 yr olds, you would have to have a really really loud voice (so that your voice won't be drowned by theirs! seriously) and good general knowledge because they will "why?" you all the time o.O 5 year olds are alright but the boys.. will have just started fighting like boys and some of them will end ugly, either with cuts/bruises.. one boy even had his elbow dislocated because another boy climbed on him like a horse!!! 4 year olds.. ahh the bliss. Hug them all you want before they grow into 5 year old maniacal devils! haha =)

Oh ya a video recorded right before I left... The only time I almost cried yesterday! XD

video

Wednesday, July 28

Undergoing decomposition

I. Am. So. Bored.

2 more days to my last day at work & I'm already feeling pangs of boredom + aimlessness + lack of social life.

How will I survive the coming month before uni starts???

Please get me something to do.

Saturday, July 24

我与基督的旅程 My Journey with God

 I drafted this a long long time ago but anyway feel like sharing now =) since I've never had the guts to share the good news with my friends o.O (p.s. sorry there's no English version.. it sounds.. odd ^^)

我不是出生在一个信主的家庭里。我家人算是道教, 可是没有说很虔诚的信徒,家外面有一个神台,厨房里一个神台,多数都是我的公公点香,一天两次,有时会听到他拜拜时会说 "祖宗保佑,芝慧身体健康,考试顺顺利利。。。"

以前,填表格时就填"Buddhist", 因为我家人的宗教,间接成了我的宗教。我不知道自己信什么,我只知道,只要把考试考好,功课做好,听从父母的话,父母就会开心,我也会心安。

很奇妙的,我从小到大最要好的朋友都是基督徒,可能是上帝的默示我未来即将进入他的国度吧! 不过,我真正接触到福音是在我高一的时候。

一开始,我觉得难以接受。那位朋友告诉我,唯有通过耶稣基督,我才能得永生。唯有通过耶稣基督,我才不会死了后永远在地狱里受苦。那么,我即使一生行善,若没有信靠主耶稣,我也一样进地狱了吗? 那岂不是很不公平?

除此之外,她也告诉我,圣经是上帝要告诉人类的话。我那时在想,圣经也是人写的啊,他们怎么会知道上帝要说什么? 那些写圣经的人不会写错吗?

可是,我觉得基督教回答了我对人生最大的疑问:我们存在的目的到底是什么? 是为了金钱,权势,爱情,还是名利? 如果我考试得了第一名,毕业了,赚回来的月薪可以买一辆小车,之后结婚生子,孩子们都进入剑桥或牛津,生活安枕无忧,那我在临死之前会有什么感受? 把一生献给忙碌的生活,给儿女的前程,最终还是要面对死亡,而我努力的一切都不能从这世上带走。闭上了眼睛,一切将化为虚有。

养了儿女,他们会自己成家立业。赚了一大笔钱,终有一天会花完,或给别人花完。得到的权势,迟早会被后辈追上,被代替,被遗忘。世上所拥有的一切会改变,唯有耶稣基督的爱,的存在永不改变。他在我们婴孩时就开始看顾我们,在我们生活的每一刻永不离开我们,直到我们回归天家。这是让我感到很安慰的,因为我知道我生命里的每一件事,好的或不好的,都有上帝的应许。他没有答应说我们身为基督徒的生活会很平安顺利,但他答应会时时刻刻与我们同在。

就在那年的年尾,我参加了一个福音营,并在那时信了耶稣。不过,坦白说,我之后因为考试即将来临和家长希望我专注学业的缘故,我很少来教会。简单来说,就是单单表面上的基督徒而已。我的生活方式与以往没有不同,还是会追求物质与兴趣上的满足。上帝没有在我生命中排第一。

我中学毕业后,到college念A Levels,在这段期间,我那位基督徒朋友不断地鼓励我来教会,不过我常常以各种理由推辞。我不敢全心全意投入在教会里,因为我已经对教会感到很陌生,上帝好像与我无关。

之后,我发觉我对我的未来感到很无助以及遥不可及。我不知道我未来的取向,我也对我自己想要的未来完全没有概念。感谢主,那时候那位姐妹又再次邀请我来教会,我也开始踊跃参与了。通过上帝的话语,我觉得我真的得到了安慰。我了解到了上帝掌管一切,而且也计划了每个人的未来,只要把一切交托于他的手中,我们不需要惧怕或担忧。在唱诗歌崇拜时,我都常常会被圣灵感动,觉得上帝无比的美好,只好憋着眼泪把诗歌唱完。

所以,我感恩。我放弃过上帝,但上帝没有放弃过我。现在,我又再次背起十字架,希望一天比一天都能活出主耶稣的样式。愿主与你们同在。阿门。

Saturday, July 17

2 more weeks left.

My HK student visa just came by courier a few days back, and suddenly it all seems so real.

Though I can't say my 7 months' worth of work in kindergarten was without incidents pissing me off/me pissing kids off (haha!) but it definitely made me love kids so much more.
5 yr old Yi Hen and her younger sister, Ci En, 3.

2 more weeks left. To another ending.

I guess love comes in many forms, so I'll used what's left to love them even more. =)

omg yi shuen made a "love cake"! so sweet =)

Wednesday, July 14

I wished...

I was busier

and then

it would be easier

to let go

of whatever was left.

thank you for a day's happiness

and I will thank you for the ultimate decision at a later date

I'll be lying by saying it didn't hurt

because I was so unprepared.

But I understand, cause besides the feeling

everything else was wrong.

But still

Thank you =)

Thursday, July 8

Gone but never forgotten

When 150cm meets 167cm (twisted version)

Dear Mama,

Honestly I tried lots and lots of ways of starting this. Every single time, I start all over again, because my feelings are truly, truly indescribable.

You are a special friend. From your curious antics of eating the interior of a fishball before finishing off the skin, to your trademark burp which comes in the oddest moments in class, you are a person, so different yet one that we can find so much in common with.

Our friendship grew, day by day, as we used to wait for the minibus heading to the train station together. Sometimes, we would walk from college to subang KTM station, but everyday was an enjoyable one despite the burning sun. Along the way, we stumbled, and often more than not, made fools of ourselves.

But that doesn't matter. At all. I don't regret any single day spent at college, spent with you and our classmates. Because it taught me how to accept myself for exactly who I am; not a taller, less pimple-ridden, slimmer version. Just tzehui and nothing more.

Tragedy hit you hard in the face, and we've seen you struggle emotionally but we were so helpless at the sidelines. Sometimes during outings you have to leave early to deal with your family issues. We saw your heart break, get fixed up, then break again. You grew stronger each time you fell down. But no matter what happened, you never, ever put on a sulky face in class. So every lesson was not just a joy for you, but also fun for the rest of us.

So thank you, mama.

For giving us everything and asking nothing in return.
For so often lending an ear and listening to my incessant rantings.
For your infectious laughter and funny metaphors and seeing lookalikes everywhere we go
For helping me organise gatherings even if you weren't attending them!
For completing my sentences or saying the same thing simultaneously
For bringing so much joy, laughter and warmth into our lives.

Thank you for being there when I needed you, and wishing you all the best in your studies in Spore! MSN and Skype ALL THE TIME kay?

Love you forever & ever & ever~~~

XOXO,
tzehui

Sunday, July 4

All mixed up

Ja An, Yi Hen, Yi Shuen & Ci En observing intently as the tadpole-turned frog is released into the drain

Somehow as each day draws to an end, I become afraid. The thought of being further away from what used to bring me so so so much happiness is draining the life out of me T.T

2 months from now, I will no longer see 4 yr olds stumbling out of balance every few steps across the classroom. Their shy, toothy smile or them saying "I love you" oh so generously to friends and teachers they truly love.

I can't go lepak-ing with college friends anymore. And stand around again in a circle asking each other what we want to have for lunch and not find any conclusion half an hour later (unless kaykay's around!! haha)

I'll miss the short yet wonderful time I spent in Klang Presbyterian Church. This was where I found my faith and built my relationship with God. Thankfully this is something I can continue in HK!! But having church friends really made me feel that I am not alone in overcoming worldly tempations =)

I can't play poker with my grandparents anymore or joke around with them. Or listen to my grandma tell the story of my birth for the 11239827958274th time. Or eat their delicious sambal or help them with groceries during marketing :(

But I guess if I don't let go, I'll never grow up. Trust me, not being able to grow up vertically is painful enough XD

See! Even my 13 yr old cousin is so so so much taller than me T.T


p.s. can u spot me? 13 years ago XD